Half Empty Half Full

 There is one thing you never forget in life and that is when you got hurt and who hurt you. There are several things you can do with this: you can lock it up along with yourself and not let anyone in, you can become an angry person that in the end pushes everything and everyone away, or you can give it to Jesus and let Him do something with it. I personally have done all 3 but none of them have worked well except for when I gave my crap to Jesus and let Him do something with it. 

You see I have learned that when you lock yourself away and build walls so no one can get in, that means you also don’t let the good people in. You know those people that are there to love you and just be your friend. I have learned that  when you get angry you end up being angry at everyone and that includes the good people that are just there to be your friend and to love you. The one with Jesus however is different. Jesus was and is able to take that pain and turn it into something amazing and that first amazing thing is the act of forgiveness. Most people believe that in order to forgive someone that other person has to apologize first but that is not true. You can forgive without ever having an apology either because that person is no longer with us or because you just know that person will never apologize and this is where I find myself when it comes to my father. 

You see, it has been close to 20 years since I started forgiving my father. I used to say it has been close to 20 years since I have forgiven my father but I realized that sometimes you have to continuously forgive someone if you want them to stay in your life. People have told me over the years when I tell them my story of what has taken place between me and my father that I should just leave it alone. He’s not worth it. Why would you ever choose to forgive someone that has caused so much pain and turmoil in your life. Why would you ever want anything to do with someone who broke you and then just laughed about it. I mean because of this man I always thought I was nothing, no one liked me, I surely was never pretty, that I was just a doormat to be walked on and used until you didn’t want me anymore, and that my future husband well either that would never happen or he would just treat me the same way my father did. So why in the world would I choose to forgive my father over and over and over again? Because I love him and because he is my father. My father may not be the kindest person in the world, but I will say this, he is always there when you need him and Lord forbid you mess with his family. That’s kind of funny and messed up when you think about it. He can mess with his family but no one else can? Whatever LOL!

So what does forgiveness look like? Especially for someone in this instance that is trying to forgive a parent because no matter what, there is no love that a daughter wants more than the love of her daddy. The first step is to give it to Jesus. Write it down and give it to Jesus that way. Say it in a prayer and give it to Jesus that way. Whatever way works best for you to give it to Jesus, do it that way. Now then one thing to remember is that we are human and we are very stubborn and we like to do things ourselves. So once you have given it to Jesus, leave it there and then when you find yourself picking it back up 30 seconds or 30 minutes later, give it back to Jesus, and don’t beat yourself up about it. Remember you are doing something new and it will take time to get into a new routine, new rhythm and sometimes it will take a while because you know who Jesus is, you love Him, but you don’t trust Him with your heart and your stuff yet. It’s ok to admit that. Jesus knows all and sees all. He knows what you're thinking and He can handle it. 

Secondly, don't expect change to happen overnight and expect for this forgiveness deal and new way of life to move in a roller coaster fashion for you and the person you are forgiving. For some of us, we have lived this kind of life for a long time and to change that way is to change our normal and even though our normal is chaos and a crapshoot, it's still our normal and it will take time to change. Also remember that just because you chose to forgive this person does not mean that this person will change. Sometimes the person you are forgiving either chooses not to change or doesn’t see a need or reason to change. In this situation, just keep praying for them and let God be the one to change them.

Thirdly, you have to change your mindset. This is a weird and hard one because you have to quit looking at the jar half empty and start looking at it as half full. What I mean by this is start looking for the good things that happen when you are with this person instead of always expecting the bad to happen. This is very hard especially for someone forgiving someone that has abused them mentally, physically, emotionally, and sexually, because you are always on your guard. However it can be done, I'm living proof of it.

Fourthly, everyone is not the person who hurt you. This again is a hard one. For me growing up, I thought every man was like my dad. I expected it and therefore I never let a man get very close to me. Sure some may have gotten close enough to hold my hand, steal a kiss, or even share a night, but none would ever know the true me because I would never let them that close, I would never be that vulnerable for a man to ever hurt me like that again. Yes I did want to be loved. Yes I did want to be married. But if it meant that I would have to live in hell for the rest of my life. No thank you, I’m good. Now a question I am sure some of you are asking; is she married? The answer: Yes! Very happily for over 16 years and we have 3 amazing kiddos. How did this happen? Truely an act of God LOL! You see when my husband and I had first started dating, he and I had already been best friends for over a year. I knew he was the one I wanted to be with and I dreamed about it but when it actually happened and we began to date, my world crashed and hit the ground hard. I was in a place where I knew I loved this man and I wanted to be with this man for the rest of my life but I was scared to death of getting and being hurt. I was also very confused because the majority of men up until him only wanted one thing from me and then they were done. My husband wasn’t like this. He was willing to wait. So because of all the confusion and fear, I ended up in a suicidal depression and almost ended my life, but God had other plans. In the midst of this chaos and confusion is where God was finally able to break through. I ended up going to see a counselor and finally realized that some of those guys that were in my life weren’t actually there to hurt me but they were actually there to just be my friend and love me. You remember me saying you have to look at the jar half full instead of half empty. Well it was the same in this case as well. If I really, truly wanted to be with this man, I was gonna have to change my mindset and instead of seeing all the guys that had ever hurt me, I had to start seeing the guys that hadn’t hurt me. In order to be with this man, I needed proof from somewhere that came before him that there were and are some nice guys out there and in my life. I needed that foundation if you will for me to begin to build a new way of viewing and thinking about men. Once I was able to do that things began to change for the better and my husband and I were able to talk about things and here we are today 20 years later, still a happy loving couple.

Lastly let God do something incredible with all that hurt and pain and remember that just because it came from a place of hurt does not mean that it is all bad. What I mean is this; because of what I have been through I tend to live on the darker side of life. I would much rather dress in all black with my hair straight, my music hard and loud, sit in a corner by myself, and dare someone to think I am something that I am not just so we can have a conversation about Jesus then to spend the day at a day spa, painting plates, or talking over a cup a tea or something like that. No judgement, it's just who I am. I grew up with nothing but guys and still today if I had a choice to go on a shopping spree with a group of girls or spend the day playing with guitars, shooting guns, or going to the drag strip with a group of guys, you better bet, I'm gonna pick the group of guys. Again no judgement, it's just who I am. I still tend to be skittish around people and to not let people in. It is only who I choose to open up to and who I choose to let in my life is who stays in my life, and that is perfectly fine because that means that you are wise as to who you let speak into your life. I grew up in a crazy atmosphere but we did everything together and still today I would much rather do something with my family than to have everyone do their own thing. You see it's all about changing the mindset and letting God be the first one to do it and then you follow Him.  

Satan tried to destroy my life with the very things that are now a weapon I use against him. The hurt I have been through has allowed me to be able to help so many people because I understand their hurt, I understand their pain, I have walked in their shoes. I love to just sit and listen to someone tell their story only to show them that what they think can never be done is actually already being done; you just have to see it through the eyes of Jesus. Because of what I have been through and what God has brought me through, I do not deal well with gossip and I do not deal well with women who want to sit and talk garbage about their man. My stand on this is very adamant and firm because I have seen what happens when you think every man is a piece of crap, you miss out and miss judge the ones that are not and my husband is very far from a piece of crap man.

So in closing always remember no one is ever too far gone. That includes you as well. Remember to give yourself time to get used to a new way of life. It is ok to not trust God with your heart and your stuff. It’s ok. Tell God that you don’t trust Him and watch what He does because He loves you dearly. Remember everyone deserves to be forgiven and given a fresh start to live again and that includes yourself no matter how many times you have to start over or you have to forgive. Remember when you put your stuff in the Lord’s hands and you take it back, remember to put it back in the Lord’s hands. The more times you do this, the easier it will become. Be gentle with yourself as you walk through this new take on life. Know going into it, it's not easy, it's not for the faint of heart, but it is doable, and so very worth it. And remember that just because something was born out of something bad does not mean it is bad. Those very things that were used to try to break you are now being used to form you into what God created you for in the first place. If you had never been through what you went through you would never be who you are today and you would never be able to reach and talk to the people you can today. Be who God created you to be. It will be and look different than what the world expects you to look like, they will judge you, and they will look down on you, but that is perfectly fine because in the end we don’t belong to the world, we belong to Jesus and who He says we are is all that matters.

*Romans 12:2

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

*James 1:12

God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him.

*Psalm 34:18

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

*Ephesians 6:12

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

*Ephesians 4:32

Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.